Selasa, 20 September 2016

Miserable life at the moment


Hai...aku menaip lagi kali ini setelah sekian lama aku menyepi. Terus terang aku katakan hidup aku agak miserable setahun dua ni. Orang yang rapat dengan aku mesti tau. Aku jadi keliru, bingung dengan diri aku sendiri. Aku macam dilanda satu perubahan atau perasaan yang susah untuk aku terangkan pada orang2 sekeliling aku. Aku tak dapat nak jelaskan apa yang berlaku pada aku kerana takut mereka takkan faham dan sebaliknya judge aku. Apa yang sedang aku buat sekarang ni aku tak tahu aku lakukan untuk diri sendiri ataupun untuk orang lain. Damn it! Aku rasa apa yang aku buat sekarang ini, hanyalah semata untuk orang lain. Untuk siapa? Susah aku nak cakap kat sini, too hard. I should stop please or impress anyone. I should stop do it since the first day. Hurm...

So, sekarang aku dah masuk tahun tiga sbg pelajar UM. Ikutkan lagi setahun setengah aku dah habis belajar tapi apakan daya apa yang dirancang tak berjalan lancar macam yang dirancang. We all knew not everything will be happen as what we want, right? So, aku dah boleh terima kenyataan yang sememangnya aku keterbelakang sekarang. Aku sedang jatuh. Hari2 aku kini aku sedang bangkit dari kejatuhan. Zaman kegemilangan aku dah pun berakhir. Aku dah tahu kenapa aku begitu bersemangat masa di form6 dulu. Ohh god, i should stop living in the past. The simple explanation i can tell you, im not the same anifa as i used to be in form6 that day. I am became other people, seriously you will be surprised if you know how miserable i am right now. But, thanks to god i still survive. Yes survived to live this life.

Tapi aku tak tahu lama mana aku mampu survived dalam struggle ni. Selalu aku ingatkan diri aku bahawa ramai lagi orang lain yang punya masalah lagi besar dari aku but still they can handle their problems and they survived, so why not me? Tapi itulah..dalam duk berpesan2, still negative thoughts control my mind. It's like i cant think positive any longer, i feel so hopeless, lifeless and meaningless. I dont know why. I dont even know what went wrong with me. I tried many things to figure it out but still i dont have any strong answer for it. So unexplainable. Too many things happened lately till i cannot handle it anymore, too many negative thoughts in my mind till i felt so paranoid to people surround me and i cant denied it. People kept telling me to stop thinking, dont think about those matters too much. But, hey dude, stop telling me that if you cant help me because your way didnt work it out on me at all. Do you really think i want to think all those bullshits?? Do you really think that i just the only one who wants to make my mind drove me crazy? Do you really think i want to live my life like this way?? You're wrong babe, totally wrong. It sucks! Absolutely sucks. Nobody's know what i have been through so far. What makes me been like this? Its like you wanna die but you are too afraid to die. It feels like hell. Seriously, if you're in my shoes for sure you want to get out from it immediately, 

But i wont give up. No matter how many times i feel hopeless, had the suicide thoughts for several times during major depression, i will not give up. Not matter how many times i have fallen, i will wake up and get up again, and again. I knew this is a part of process of life. Processing to make me be a better person, more stronger and be an independent. I have to be strict to myself to love myself first before i love other people and stop make them my priority because some of them does not deserve it from me. I should let toxic people walk away from me. I deserve happiness too. I should not let my happiness holding by other people who doesnt deserve it. I dont live just to impress other people. I kept asking myself, where are those people during my hard time? Where are they when i was so depressed, even thought about suicide. Then, i think its time to stop this. Stop hope that they will care and notice about me because they dont. I believe, if i can stop all of those things, i can be happy and i can do whatever i want to do without being worry of judgement.

And i thank to people mostly strangers from anxiety and depression support group because they helped me a lot during my hard times. They made me think that i should live for myself not because of other people that just want to be with me when i succeed only. They made me think i deserve a better life. They made me think i can be happy too like other people, live a normal life like anyone else. They made me think im deserve better to be someone's priority. They made me love myself more i love everybody else. They understood me more than people i thought they would do the same to me, try to understand me, not judging me, not telling me to stop follow my feeling too much. They didnt try to help me but they always be there when i needed the most, even as a listener too me, it was more than enough because i didnt ask much. I do not ask you to spend all your time for me. Nope. I was not. I believe there's no one can help me except myself. Now, i knew who truly cares about me and i thank those people who stayed.

Anyway, talk about this..i just want to remind myself and people to stop thinking that i am suffering the illness. But i live with it. I live with the illness for the whole time and please do not lose hope no matter what happen, no matter how loneliness you're because you still have god in this life to guide you.